Divining My Future Dreams

In my last entry, I outlined certain sleep problems I've been having lately. And, while I avow that I've done a good deal to rectify said problems, I fear that I will soon be forced to take the ultimate step. That's right—I need a new mattress. How am I sure of this? I enter into evidence the huge coil-inflicted bruise on my ass. Certainly, I would share a picture of said bruise if I were not fully convinced that such a picture would lead to a) dismissal from a cherry tenure-track position years down the road; or b) temporary blindness (on your part).

In anticipation of my major purchase, then, I went online to look at mattresses and realized that they actually constitute a colossal purchase. Some of them cost thousands of dollars. Since I don't have thousands of dollars, I have a few options. I could always make a mattress like the homemakers of yore. In yore, the mattresses were made of rags. Since I don't have any rags, I'd be forced to buy lots of clothes, wear them until they fall apart, and stuff them into a fabric shell. This plan would probably be more costly than an actual mattress and would take a long, long time to effect. In my second plan, I go to the mattress store, follow around the cutest single guy who's buying a firm full-sized or larger mattress and then ask him out to dinner. The drawback of this plan is that my sleeping proposition would probably come off pretty skeevy, and there's no telling how clean his house would be. Lastly, I could try to hit a holiday sale in order to declare my independence from high prices. Guess you all know how I'm going to spend my 4th...