Yet Again, the Federal Government Fails to Ask Me for Vital Input on an Important Social and Economic Issue...

...namely, immigration. Let me just start by saying that our initial approaches to immigration thus far have been a bit short-sighted. Illegal immigrants and their supporters protesting for automatic American citizenship? Bad idea. American citizenship isn't all it's cracked up to be. We've got no universal health care, fewer worker protections than we had previously, and elected officials who won't listen to us. Plus, other countries hate us. Minutemen patrolling the borders? Bad idea. What are you going to do, shoot someone? That's productive. How about volunteering to fix the problem that immigrants are running from instead? It seems like time more effectively spent. What is it about human nature that gives us the knee-jerk, a reaction that makes the initial problems we face so much worse? Methinks it has something to do with the unwillingness to understand others…

As Americans from different cultural and economic backgrounds, it behooves us to be more understanding. Don’t listen to the Antivege Movement which contends that vegetables aren’t meant to be eaten and that immigrant workers shouldn’t be picking them in the first place. Don’t listen to the No Spanch Movement which fears that, if immigrants must become literate in English (and, by association, history, etc.), so must all Americans. Instead, think, with me, about inventive ways to address the border issue in lieu of posturing for power. Here are some possible solutions:

1. South of the Borderland!
Mexicans want to work; Americans want to have fun: why not combine the two? South of the Borderland!, the world’s longest theme park, provides a practical solution. Americans from California to Texas and, indeed, people from all states and nations, can enjoy the rides, food, and exhibits brought to them solely by Mexican workers. Plus, special “adult” sections for spring breakers ensure that young and nubile hedonists spend less money on travel and that sloppy, falling-down drunks won’t risk falling off cruise ships. As for Mexican workers, they enjoy the ability to work on the border (i.e., in “America”) while returning to their home country at night, thanking God they’re not American.

2. Red Rover Border Tournament
In this proposal, hopeful Mexican immigrants square off against Americans who wish to be litigants on small-claims court TV shows. Rojo Rover, Rojo Rover, envie Duane, Rhonda, y Angelique aqui! In my opinion, there is no less desirable American than s/he who aspires to small-claims court “stardom.” And, typically, from the types of cases filed, these people have little practical experience and would benefit from a life lived below border for awhile. Red Rover, Red Rover, send Consuela, Enrique, and Julio right over! I’d take a willing immigrant worker striving to better his or her life any day. Strong enough to break through an arm-wall? Citizenship is yours!

3. America’s Next Top Immigrant (and subsequent spin-off shows)
If there’s anything America loves, it’s a reality TV show. Why not exploit this format for the benefit of the working man and woman? Each season, the show will follow immigrant contestants in their search to find jobs, reunite families, adjust to culture shock, and maintain personal dignity. And, of course, the American audience votes someone off every week. Each season’s newly-minted American citizen “winner” gets more than just citizenship, though. He or she becomes an ambassador for immigrant rights just as the show acts to educate Americans about economic realities facing immigrants and, in all honesty, most blue-collar Americans as well.