The Long-Awaited Invention Exchange

In true MST3K fashion, I've been collecting my best most recent inventions to share (because, you know, I'm all about making the world a better place). I must warn the lactose intolerant, though, that some of these are milk-based, and, depending on the severity of your intolerance, you may want to take a lactaid before reading on. For those allergic to smut or tastelessness, I must also warn that, though these inventions are entirely practical and marketable, some of them might be objectionable as well. You may want to take a dose of...actually, I'm not sure that the medical community has a pill for this yet. At any rate, here we go!

"Wicked Cheesy"
Have you ever wanted some pepper jack cheese then reconsidered and decided to eat cottage cheese instead? Then, halfway through your cottage cheese, you decide that you'd really wanted the pepper-jack all along? Pepper-jack cottage cheese solves this weeks-old dilemma. Even so, it should not be confused with pimento cottage cheese 'cause that's the next product in the "Wicked Cheesy!" product line

"OCD Maids"
Many people are afflicted with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Many other people want their houses spotlessly clean. By hiring the obsessive compulsive to clean houses, we've got a match made in wage-labor heaven! Why? Personal satisfaction in a job well-done: you can't be an effective maid without a deep committment to the work at hand. Our slogan: "When you say 'stop,' we're just getting started."

"Sir-Toasts-a-Lot"
When you leave the comfort and safety of your home, you also leave behind all your heat-based cooking implements. Sure, plenty of people carry cigarette lighters and can put together a fire to heat things outside. A lot of people have huge outdoor grills. But the portable toaster brings the civilized world outside, enabling you to toast bread, bagels, and other thin, square food any time they need toasting. "Sir-Toasts-a-Lot" comes standard with a heat-absorbing pad; a harness for car installation; and a fanny pack for personal, hands free use. Products to follow include a portable microwave and portable coffee maker.

"Hotshake"
Milkshake? Nah, too cold. Hot cocoa? Nah, too thin. Want a warm, thick milky beverage which mixes the bulk of a milkshake with the comforting warmth of hot cocoa? Look no further than "Hotshake," available in chocolate, coffee, strawberry, banana, chocolate mint, blueberry, and apricot. Bring a straw, bring a spoon, and don't forget the mittens! (Honestly, I blame this invention on farina. Mmmm...farina...)

"The Precursor"
The resurgence of religious affiliation in America has led to pledges of abstinence before marriage. Even so, such a pledge discounts the work of physics in sexual congress after marriage. You may be well-suited emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually, but what if he doesn't fit!?! A practical solution? "The Precursor." Your husband-to-be can now cast his member in plastic so that you can judge physical compatibility before a potentially disasterous wedding night. We create and deliver custom casts under the strictest supervision to ensure that, when you wed, you know what you're taking to bed.

Want to share an invention? If so, please remember that I'm not the patent office, and that I'm too lazy to take these sure-fire winners in myself. For any legitimate business proposals, contact me personally. I have literally upwards of $10 to invest in lucrative invention endeavors.