I Become an Award-Winning Girth Estimator

This past weekend, I went to Fernindina Beach to attend my first ever baby shower. Fortunately for me, I was accompanied by the beautiful, talented, and agreeable Andi, and I remembered to bring my present—a old-school Milne-style Tigger stuffed animal. When we got to the hotel, it became clear to me that "baby shower" means family and friends. That said, there were a lot of families. It was fantastic to see Kedash and Tavis; Kedash is about eight months pregnant, which is to say "gettin' big."

We arrived a little late, right about the time that the "games" portion of the shower was getting started. The first game was a Pee-wee's Playhouse style word avoidance game that lasted until the end of the [blank] shower. In it, everyone got a clothes pin that they had to give up if they said the word "baby." I lost mine in about a nanosecond. Baby. Babybabybaby. Your clothes pins don't define me!

The second game was a sucking contest in which players are given baby bottles filled with chocolate milk and challenged to a suck-off. Well, two things you should know about sucking: first, it's not the most efficient way of taking in liquid, and second, it'll give you a headache. The winner of the contest was actually a cheater named Perk (I kid you not on this one). He bit the nipple off of his bottle and gulped, but I think we were sort of bored with "grown people sucking" by that point anyway. But, biting? Um, Perk?...note to your wife...

The third game we played was a girth-judging contest in which we eyeballed Kedash's belly and cut a length of yarn to go around it. I cut my yarn, watched her walk around to a few tables, and cut a few more bits off. Turns out I'm not too shabby in the girth-estimating department because I officially won, and I've got a centerpiece basket of bath products in my bathroom to prove it. Someone's twelve-year old (or so) daughter was really close and won a prize, too, which is cool. I'm not afraid to share my podium.

So, the last part of the shower was devoted to opening lots and lots of gifts - big ones. We all kind of talked with each other while this was going on, and some little guy near me was playing with things he probably should not have been playing with. At any rate, half the room was looking warily at him, but I was trying hard to ignore him. At that moment, it occurred to me that if it takes a village to parent a child then I am willing to sneak away from that village in the dead of night on piano-noted Scooby-Doo tiptoes. No kids, thanks. I'm stuffed!

When we left, though, I was reminded just how much I miss Kedash - I volunteered to come back and visit, which anyone who knows my feelings about Jacksonville knows is a sure sign of devotion. Best of luck with [blank]!