Alternative Employment Opportunities Available
(i.e., Let's Talk about a Federal Sex Program)

Two events coincided the other day which made me think about inventive employment initiatives, just what America needs to strengthen our economy. First, a UPS guy came to deliver a package that I'd ordered, and, second, I wore this cute pair of pink shoes which make my feet bleed.

The UPS delivery made me think fondly back to my one patriotic offering to this country: the Federal Sex Program, and this is where I'll begin. Have you ever had a job which you hated and which made you think, "I could do so much better than this. Or, at least, I could have a less demanding job?" Well, that's where my Federal sex initiative comes in. Why not turn over a new leaf while turning a trick? The beauty of the Federal Sex Program is that a) we, the People, get laid regularly and b) we might get paid for it. It's kind of like an "Ameri- Corps." In bed.

I'll stop here. This isn't the first time I've vetted the Federal Sex Program, and, believe me, I've gotten a lot of negative feedback (oddly, none of it on "moral grounds"). So, I've kept the FSP on the "down low," trying to work out the kinks by addressing previously-voiced drawbacks. Now, I think I've hit on a solution which I call "Sex on the Side." Two of the FSP's biggest concerns were that people might not want to turn tricks all day, and they might not want to sleep with the people they were assigned to. "Sex on the Side" takes care of that. With SOTS, one could offer sex in addition to other services (kind of like a "fries with that?" upsell). That way, when the UPS guy comes to deliver a package, he can really...oh, it's just too easy. For the UPS guy, he gets a kickback from the government and the ability to shag on the job (without bothering his co-workers). As for me, I get some lovin' and a greater sense of patriotism. God Bless America! And the Federal Sex Program!

As for the other inventive economic initiative, I am so happy to see the shoe industry employing the nation's psychopaths as designers! What better way to channel time and energy that would otherwise be used shanking one's cellmate? In addition to my own gorgeous but bloody footwear, here are a few other hot items this season:

What happens when one failed muscian-turned-psycho-cult-leader teams with one of the world's most successful muscians? Shoe nirvana! This open-toed wedge comes courtesy of Charles Manson for CARLOS by Carlos Santana. It boasts a colorful front strap crafted with cut-and-rub technology (sharp-edged unlined nubbed plastic) and an ineffective heel strap lined with satin and vaseline. In addition, leg ribbons made from spaghetti squash attract only the most vicious and hungry doberman pincers.

Second, this heeled pump is the first and only design of former inmate, serial killer, and cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer for Steve Madden. Sharp inside and out, the black leather pump sports an inverted knife in the footbed which slices away pesky digits with razor precision. Always wanted a more narrow foot? Your solution is here! The clear stilletto heel is likewise carefully crafted...from a single stale gummy worm. Don't let a rainy day catch you in these beauties unless you're looking for the most broken of ankles! Thanks Steve. Thanks Jeff!

Finally, a strappy sandal with a sexy look and the means to keep it in place! Aileen Wurnos for Chinese Laundry gives us a miracle—adhesive lotion made from the same chemical compound as Superglue. Just apply it to the footbed as you pull on this gem. Keep this sandle in place? Try to rip it off my foot! Cloth-covered steel cables combine the allure of scarlet with hundreds of tacklike barred teeth which sink firmly in your flesh. To remove the shoe, simply pour on the patented acidwash which releases the footbed adhesive and "unclogs" your tired, nailheaded flesh making you forget that these shoes ever hurt while they were on. Pure genius!

Take heart alternative jobseeker! You know what they always say: when one door closes, a window from which you can defenestrate opens.