A Narrative of Harrowing Travels to Atlanta; or Beset by Conveyances on all Sides

Alone as I was on this asphalt pathway, yet had I directions to follow, sustenance, and assurances that I would be well-met at my destination's end. Indeed, my principal concerns were the conveyances girded round me, driven with the insistence that I proceed faster, ever faster. Their presence returned me to the dictates of Matthew, chapter 10, verse 12 "you should keep a cushion around your vehicle at all times so, as you drive defensively, you avoid accidents before they happen. Keep at least two seconds behind the car in front of you..."

Ok, this passage didn't come from the Bible, but, more appropriately, from my high school driving instructor Coach McPherson. But, if my experience serves as testimony, his advice endures through the ages. During the past few days, I drove to Atlanta for a conference and back. And, while this wasn't my first trip there, it was my first trip as driver/navigator of my own car, an achievement of which I'm pretty damn proud.

To my mind, one defining test of adulthood—a skill that sets "adult" apart from "adolescent" or "teen"—is the ability to successfully drive to a destination that you have not already visited. Now, you may deride my theory saying that maps tell us how to reach destinations. On the contrary, maps give us assistance in reaching destinations, but they can, by no means, reach this destination for us. For example, watching a sex scene in a movie does not render one a non-virgin—it only gives clues about sexual experiences. Actually reaching a destination involves effectively interpreting directions, managing traffic, and keeping calm. And here I'm referring to a geographical (not sexual) destination.

For my trip, I got directions from MapQuest, and these instructions indicated that driving time for my trip would be 5 hours, 3 minutes. "Kudos to MapQuest!," I thought initially. "They've got driving down to a science!" What I didn't realize is that "driving" time means just that—time that it takes to drive, not including "eating" or "bathroom break" time. As a result, anyone who views "driving" time as "total trip" time, is going to be sorely disappointed. Don't the folks at MapQuest know that most red-blooded American are going to look at "5 hours, 3 minutes" and say, "Bullshit—I can beat that"? That, for many of us, this estimation reads as a "throw-down"? Apparently not. Barring MapQuest's inclusion of leisurely lunches and bathroom breaks into this calculation, the only two groups who are going to be happy with this "driving time" estimation are anorexic speed freaks with urostomies and engineers.

That said, I was delighted with MapQuest's time/mile breakdown by road. This info let me know when I could "zone out" while driving and when I needed to watch for a road change. The trickiest part, of course, came once I hit Atlanta; I-75 opened up to 6 lanes, giving me almost too many variables to take in at once. At this point, my brain went into "anti-lock brake mode" where it cycled between "too much information" and "calm down—look for exit 248C." I calmed, I looked, and I exited at 248C. From there, I navigated a few turns to the hotel where I did a predictable "Robin Hood's barn" of left turns on one-way streets to reach said hotel's entrance.

Finally as I exited the car, having successfully reached a destination I had only previously envisioned in my mind, my enthusiasm was dampened by two things: physical exhaustion and the knowledge that, because of my eating and potty-breaks, I'd missed the keynote speaker.