Green with Envy

While speculating about the proper name for an upholstery color recently, I reached for and tried “celery?” to the endless delight of a friend. Now, usually, I don’t mind being laughed at, but, at times like these, I’m offended. Laughing at my color recall accuracy? My eye for detail? Banish the thought! I took a spin around Lowe’s paint department, and, at the first display, picked up this color tile. What do you know? "Celery stalk." At the Home Depot website, I found that the Behr line of paint has not one but four versions of celery; they are: celery salt, celery bunch, celery sprig, and celery ice. And, as you well know, these colors don’t create and market themselves. My guess is that it went down something like this:

Boss: “Ladies and gentlemen, our line of greens is lagging. We’re skewing behind Glidden in the 18-25 demographic and Dutch Boy’s poking its greedy little finger in our 25-35s. I’m looking for magic here, magic. Nothing less!”

Worker 1: “Um…I was thinking ‘avocado’? We could come out strong with one of the deeper greens…”

Boss: “Ok Kasey and the Sunshine band, did you miss a memo? One word names are out, baby; these days, it’s a two name game.”

Worker 1: “How about ‘Avocado Spice’?”

Boss: “Spiced with what, nimrod? Nobody’s mixing any brown with any green. Not on my watch. Next!”

Worker 2: “How about something bright? Like ‘celery stalk’?”

Boss: “Good idea. But it’s too conventional; too redundant. Celery comes in stalks. People will be expecting that. Let me think…’celery bunch’ yeah, ‘bunch’ is fantastic! It’s less transparent, fuller, richer…”

Worker 3: “How about ‘celery sprig’? It’s got brighter hue…”

Worker 1: “Wait a minute! Doesn’t celery come in bunches? Won't people be expecting...”

Boss: “Yeah, we’ll go with those two – ‘celery bunch’ and ‘celery sprig.’”

Worker 1: “Are you insane? Two celery colors? That’s madness!”

(interruption) “FYI – we’re going to need a flat browny green you guys – corporate says don’t come out without a flat, brown one.”

Boss: “Damn it all! Don’t say avocado, Mitch. Don’t even say it.”

Worker 2: “Brown…let’s see ‘celery salt’ is a little brown. That has a nice ring to it.”

Two weeks later.

Worker 2: Where did Bruce go? I haven’t seen him since that ‘green’ meeting.”

Worker 3: Dude, they let him go. He came out of there with four celery variations, and corporate hit the fan. They ok’d the colors because of the deadlines, but they were really disturbed by his vision.”

Worker 2: “Where’s he working now?”

Worker 3: “Gilette, man. Razor division.”