All-Consuming Passions

Many people will have you believe that relationships are based on love, sex, and compatibility and that people marry for companionship, out of economic necessity, and/or because they want children. But, as we all know, these are all really stupid reasons to attach your life to someone else's. Realistically speaking, the only lasting justification for relationships - the one that carries us through the ages - is the need to share fruit. Take a moment for reflection, and I'm confident that you'll agree.

When you go to the store, it is nearly impossible to find and purchase a piece of fruit that you can comfortably eat by yourself in one sitting. Don't let your imagination fool you - this is nature's way of ensuring that we continue reproducing the species. Sure, you may find a perfectly-ripened pineapple that you'd like to buy, but, if you're single, you always have to give this a little extra thought..."Damn," you'll say, "I don't think I can finish a whole pineapple." As for the smaller, seemingly more accessible fruits, science is taking care of them. Fruit that was an option for my childhood eating enjoyment is now magically "off-limits." Have you seen the size of peaches lately? Or, for that matter, apples? At this rate, the only fruits I can safely consume on my own are plums, apricots, and crab apples - a pretty dismal existance, if you ask me.

How to cope? First of all, don't go trying to plan your fruit purchases around your friends; I guarantee that nothing will ruin a friendship faster than asking a buddy to share a juicy melon with you. "What the fuck do I want with your cantalope?!?," he'll ask, vaguely offended. "Pervert!" Ideally, you're going to want to hit on someone at the grocery store. Think about it, if you keep trying the bars, you're only setting yourself up for failure. What security do you have that a guy who drinks Mike's Hard Lemonade is into fresh oranges as well? On the other hand, if you watch the way someone works the fruit aisle, you'll get a good sense of your Fruit Compatibility Quotient (FCQ). For example, you'll never see me hooking up with a "melon" or "mango" eater - I can't stomach either of them. I'm much more likely to go for a "pineapple" or "grapefruit" kind of guy. What's more, as you cruise for mates, your choice of grocer will also help compatibility. Odds are, if you're a "farmer's market" kind of gal, you'll automatically weed out those potential mates who favor the fruit bins at the Wal-Mart Supercenter.

So, as you consider your relationships, or lack thereof, remember that true romantic bliss doesn't hinge on beauty or job status or shared hobbies. In reality, it's all about taste.