My Dreams of Olympic Glory

Winter sportsfans, I’m at it again. As I watch the Olympics, I'm thinking about what kind of sport I’d compete in if I were, indeed, athletically inclined. My first thought is that I don’t want to do anything that requires me to perform a half-second faster (much less a tenth of a second faster) than someone else. To my mind, there are only a few actions that actually benefit from a half-second lead - stepping out of oncoming traffic; ducking into an alcove to avoid someone; and hanging up on a telemarketer come to mind. But, as far as I know, none of these are competitive sports. Since I’m scuttling the “fast” sports, I’d have to forego downhill skiing and speed skating which is okay – no love lost.

Perhaps I’d have better luck with snowboarding or figure skating, both of which involve some level of artistry. Of the two, I prefer the aerial elements of snowboarding but the outfits and music of figure skating. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, I take up figure skating. I’d certainly have to skate by myself because, though I don’t mind looking ridiculous, I can’t commit to looking ridiculous in tandem with someone else. Also, I have some strongly-held beliefs about figure skating music. For example, I am drawn to the following songs as I believe they would effectively aid me in the performance of "my art:"

10. The Beatles, “Oh! Darling”
9. Otis Redding, “These Arms of Mine”
8. Dresden Dolls, “Missed Me”
7. Luscious Jackson, “Here”
6. Nina Simone, “Sinnerman” (shortened version!)
5. Belle and Sebastian, “Electric Renaissance”
4. Soul Coughing, “Mr. Bitterness”
3. Madonna, “Nothing Really Matters”
2. Vangelis, “Theme from Blade Runner”
1. Led Zeppelin, “You Shook Me" or "Rain Song"

Actually, I do have an ice-skating career of sorts which few people know about. When I lived in Orlando, my friends and I skated a bit at the rink on West Colonial Drive. (Yes, the one where they played the Steve Miller Band's "Space Cowboy" every...single... night.) One high point of my skating career involved me laughing my ass off to my then-roommate's chucklehead boyfriend's attempt to skate through to the end of Rush's "Tom Sawyer." Folks, this is a long, long song. The other high point came when I got a withering look from a 10 year-old who wanted to pass me while I was making sweet love to the perimeter wall. Attempting to salvage an iota of pride, I informed this boy that the skating rink had hired me to skate badly so that other people would look better by comparison. Needless to say, it was a good day for withering looks.