Fashion Sense/Fashion Nonsense

Because I'm the fashion fan (albeit a lazy one) that I am, I had to watch the Oscar fashion wrap shows. First, I stopped by Entertainment Tonight. They cycled through a good number of red carpet offerings and ended with their "Best Dressed" list, courtesy of resident fashion critic, Steven Cojocaru (aka, "Cojo"). As he ran down his list, Cojocaru's number three happily coincided with my number one, Jada Pinkett Smith. Man, I thought, I sure can pick 'em! But, as it turns out, Cojo labeled Charlize Theron as his "Best Dressed" choice, quickly making me reconsider our newly-found affinity. Though he justified his choice using words like "couture," "daring," and "better in person," I'd have to counter with "scary," "pouffy," and "I saw it while sitting on my couch." I mean, I can't afford extended cable much less a trip across the country to oogle celebrity gowns; I'm reviewing fashion shows on network and basic, yo?

Moving on to Access Hollywood, I matched up with some of their choices as well. On the red carpet Lisa Rinna recognized Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith as "Best Dressed Couple," only to ruin her own judgment integrity by "ditto-ing," Jessica Alba and her date as "BDC." Liar-liars Lisa and Access co-host Nancy O'Dell untimately picked Keira Knightley as their "Best Dressed," a viable choice, in my opinion.

Last, but not least, the TV Guide Channel featured Fashion Wrap hosted by fashion gadlies Joan and Melissa Rivers. With the help of guest critics Michael Moloney from TV's Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and fab comedian Greg Proops, Rivers and Rivers-ier gave us their signature bitchy and pointed fashion criticism. Though I can appreciate their schtik, it's not the most enjoyable show in town. Joan says whatever she wants (which is supposed to be humorous) and Melissa tactfully mops appology behind her. Still, you can't help feeling that, at some point in her younger years, Joan passed a funnier, sassier egg than Melissa, but that that chick couldn't find a dance partner. If you know what I mean. For comic relief? Enter Greg Proops. His gems included "It's very 'Umberto Eco'—The Name of the Rose" and "I like a little more drama; I would have air-lifted Sally Kellerman in." When it came to fashion superlatives, the Rivers family rained kudos onto Will and Jada, dubbing them (again!) "BDC," and they complimented the fashion stylings of Uma Thurman, Ludacris, and George Clooney. In the wrap-up, they passed "Worst Dressed" honors to Charlize Theron and Naomi Watts. Surprisingly, their "Best Dressed" included votes for Jessica Alba (who everybody said looked like a "living Oscar"), Meryl Streep, and...Charlize Theron. Ok, ok, I get it: the dress looked better in person. But I'm not willing to celebrate a gown that photographs like your shoulder is doubling as a headrest and your crotch is on fabric lockdown. That's my fashion report. You stay classy, Hollywood.