I am 80% Sure that Don Cheadle is Stalking Me Via the Internet

For the past few weeks, I've been feeling a little awkward—you know, like someone is following me or watching me. As I check my e-mail or type up notes on texts, it seems like someone is just there—in the space around me. In my computer maybe. Yes, I've been whipping around quickly in attempts to catch this person. I've been putting on my makeup in nervous anticipation. So, you can expect how surprised I was to find that this person is Don Cheadle.

Yeah, we all perceive of him as a good man—a gifted actor, a humanitarian, and a family man. But those aspects of Don's life do not seem to have stopped him from stalking me. In fact, they may actually be carefully-construced covers for his outrageous and inappropriate behavior. My proof? Well, I didn't know he was stalking me right away, but things have added up pretty quickly. First, he does a sexy British accent in the Oceans movies. This might not appear odd except that I love both heist movies and sexy British accents. Check, check. Second, he's married with children. Right, good ploy. Plenty of guys have used these reasons as excuses for not dating me. Been there; not done that. Ok, ok, maybe he's just "doing an accent" and is "happily married." I could have easily dismissed this evidence if I hadn't found the damning evidence that I like to refer to as "that cowboy picture." While most pictures of Don Cheadle look relatively straightforward and present him as a fairly attractive person, this picture is the WMD of sexy photography. It's like he declared a lust war on my nether-regions. As you can see from the picture, he's looking right at me. Freakin' stalker! I had this same problem in elementary school with a poster of Bo and Luke Duke in which, no matter where I moved in the room, they were looking right at me (I know; I did extensive tests). A little extra detective work on his website shows that Don's got Violet on the brain. In his introductory text, he says: "Hey now. It's been a long time and I'm backed up on responses, I know. But thanks for keeping the comments and questions coming. I'll be doing a marathon session this week to answer many of you. Many new projects in development. Look for changes on this site and Stay Up. DC." A complicated and highly-accurate algorithm shows us that what he's really saying is this: "Hey now. It's been a long time and I'm backed up on responses, I know. But thanks for keeping the comments and questions coming. I'll be doing a marathon session this week to answer many of you. Many new projects in development. Look for changes on this site and Stay Up. DC." And I don't even want to comment on the Freudian implications of "marathon session" and "Stay Up"...

I know, I know—this is all so shocking and unexpected! The most troubling part? That he hasn't even tried to contact me directly. Man, how frustrating! Stop beating around the bush and call me already! Didn't you think I'd be interested, Don? Here's a pictorial token of my regard. That's right, I'm ready to put on cowboy hats and get to down business. You know, even if that business only involves helping out with your philanthropic efforts in Darfur. Tell you what, you take off your shirt, oil up, and recline on a chaise lounge, and I'll work the phones—I'm socially-minded like that! And I swear to God I'll never, never report this to the police.