ClearBlue Braggy

Well, I'd intended to write an entry about advertising as I've seen a few successful product names and/or taglines recently and some questionable ones as well. Then, I encountered the mother (pun intended) of all taglines. In a ClearBlue Easy TM Pregnancy Test Kit commercial, the voiceover deems it "the most advanced piece of technology you'll ever pee on" while, as if from heaven, a stream of "liquid" rains down on the pregnancy test. Ye goddesses (pun intended)! Pure advertising gold (pun intended).

Who the hell thought up this idea? Certainly not the person who put together the website. When I watch the commercial, I can only marvel at the audacity of off-camera pee streaming into sight. As Andretta would say "they can't even make the 'liquid' in sanitary napkin commercials red." As for the website, it is a marketing/quasi-self-help site, which makes sense given that one of the main products tests for a significant, life-changing, 18-year responsibility. They might also think of marketing a ClearBlue Easy TM Mother-To-Be Hyperventilating Bag (with optional Father-To-Be Hyperventilating Bag in navy blue if the dad knows/sticks around).

But really, I'm not interested in dissecting the "dude! he said 'pee'!" versus "a baby can significantly change your life" oppositional rhetoric of advertisement and website. No, I am concerned with taking up the gauntlet thrown down in this blithe, tossed off sentiment. I'm not ever going to pee on a more-advanced piece of technology? I'M not ever going to pee on a more advanced piece of technology!?! We shall see about that. Witness:

Suggested Pieces of Advanced Technology to Utilize Human Pee (TM)

1. Pee the Vote
Fed up with voting machines that don't accurately record your vote? Pissed off at the opposition's candidate? With "Pee the Vote," you can make your displeasure known. Instead of voting for your favorite candidate, just mark out the opposition personally. (Optional pregnancy test results upon exiting poll location.)

2. Urine-powered Emergency Light and Radio
Trapped in a snowstorm or hurricane with the power out? Need to keep up with rescue efforts and resources? With the new Pee-powered Emergency Light and Radio you don't need the electricity, batteries, or hand-cranking of older light/radios. This version runs entirely on your own urine! Urine-powered Emergency Light and Radio—you're going to have to pee anyway. (Optional pregnancy test results confirmed when emergency hatch of prenatal vitamins pops open.)

3. You're In Control (TM) Workplace Security System
Picture it: a normal day at your job as a bank teller. Armed men walk in to rob the bank and order everybody on the ground. With conventional security systems, salvation is an arm's length or more away. Even if you've got a silent alarm, you still need to press it. Thank goodness your bank chose "You're In Control"! Scared out of your wits, you wet yourself. This action sets off the remote transponder you're wearing so that a simple loss of self-control is the very act that brings relief. You're In Control—when you need it, you can't help but use it!

In conclusion, I would like to say: take THAT, braggy bragger-sons! ClearBlue's got nothing on me.