When You are on Trial for Murder, it Would Help Not to Look Like a Murderer

Phil Spector, you have hit a trifeca of my interests: the criminal justice system, personal grooming, and ideas for inventions. Let me say at the outset that I have no knowledge of whether or not you shot Lana Clarkson at your mansion on February 3, 2003. Further, I understand that, in the American criminal justice system, a person is presumed innocent until proven guilty. That said, ya look like a murderer. Or, more specifically, you look like a cross between convicted serial killer Aileen Wuornos and fictional film hero Edward Scissorhands. (Ok, ok, if I were splicing DNA, I'd have to add director Tim Burton into the stew, but, well, you get the point.)

Since you are a well-known and successful record producer and since Clarkson was shot at your residence which was described on SFGate.com as "castle-like," I assume that you're set for money. Bubbola, use some of that money to fix yourself up. I'm talking, a haircut, a facial, and some less intimidating clothing, but those are only my opening offers. Indeed, I think you could use some major Swan-strength work here.

Were I to run a criminal attorney-based makeover business (what a wonderful idea!), I'd fit you with the "Guy Pearce." In this personal makeover package, you'd reflect your foggy memory (a la Memento) and justifiable drive for success (L.A. Confidential). Also, were you convicted of cannibalism, I'm pretty sure the jury'd let you off for being simply "over-hungry" (see Ravenous). For example, these images of Mr. Guy Pearce from First Snow don't scream "dangerous killer;" instead, they elicit "oops, I dropped my contact...yowza!"(Exhibit "A") and "honey, you've got some ketchup on your forehead" (Exhibit "B"). I mean, don't you feel compassion for the sexy Australian?

In conclusion, Phil: I'm not saying that you should get away with murder if you did, indeed, murder someone. However, I am saying that you can't get away with leaving the house looking like a derranged madman. That, my friend, will surely bring punishment.